Rain, Rain blues

My daughter came home!  It is wonderful to have her here.  I had forgotten how they gang up on me.  We had a heated family meeting Wednesday evening. Anyway, it's amazing how the same thing can be viewed from four different perspectives!   Yesterday I had a nasty hangover!  I still went to my eye doc appointment!  I am putting the idea of bifocals on the shelf.  I will wait a little longer.  Apparently I won't damage my eyesight (can it get any worse?).  I have to hurry up and get what ever I need done soon!

So I am definitely getting a little depressed abou this layoff thing.  My last workday will be April 29, 2011.  There aren't any jobs in this area.  I hate my situation!

She is coming home!!!

My daughter comes home tomorrow!! Well, Wednesday in the wee hours!  I'm so excited!  Just when things settle into our "regular" schedule, she leaves!  But, we will enjoy her for a few days!!  It is nice seeing the kids hang out.  So, I think she is taking a vehicle down with her.  I worry about...what?  I really don't know.  I guess us moms say that, knowing full well that all is fine.  So, I take it back!!  It will be good for her to have a vehicle there.  I can't imagine being so far from home without a vehicle.  She wants to take her Daddys truck!  That is reassuring, cus I'm sure he will be there with her.  Tomorrow is going to drag...work...I dont think I will be able to sleep 'til she arrives.  I'm so glad that her fiance helps her  (us) out. 
So Friday I went out with a few friends.  It was really nice.  I hadn't gone out and felt so ok.  Saw a lot of old faces from my kids school days.  I'm not as lost as I thought I was.  My acquaintances sound like they are (some) worse off than me!  I wonder how things would be if he was still alive.  I don't believe that I would be me, as I am now.  So would I be that little mormon wife??  Hmm, probably not.  I was at the brink of rebellion, anyway.  I don't know how he would've taken my decision to separate myself from the church.  I'm sure it would've been an issue; a workable issue, I would hope.  The bummer about that is that I introduced him to church.  I talked him into, but after he got involved, I didn't truly want to be  a member.  It's strange.  But then again, I'm speculating if I had left the church while he was alive.  I could've just stayed and learned to be a miserable hypocrite as most members are. I don't think he would've let me be in a miserable situation.  He did really care how I felt about things and wanted me and the homefront to be a happy one.  Do I miss him!  But tomorrow is a new day!

Latina women are culturally tied?

I am getting older and feel secure in my own skin now, I think.  I write that with reluctance.  Lately (ha!  a few years now!) I see a not so transparent difference the way Latina women and other women of different nationale carry themselves.  I want to believe that we are all equal, but I find that we aren't.  Sure there are hundreds of insecurities in each of us women, especially after we begin to age just a little.  I can't seem to get the feeling that we Latina women are falling behind in the social aspect of our surrounding society.  Is it bad?  Is there really a difference in , oh say, white women and Latina women?  Should we leave our "old ways" behind?  What are those old ways?  Did our mothers influence us so?  

March madness

February ended as quickly as it started.  I am such an emotional mess, usually, that month.  This year it wasn't as bad.  I think things are starting to balance out, somehow.  Maybe it's a new perspective I have.  My daughter came home on the 18th.  i was glad she wasn't alone on her fathers birthday.  The other two chillins and I were home.  It was quite nice.  I find that I am not waiting for "something" to happen as frequently as I used to.  I used to try not to change things around the house as much; I'm not as aware of that pending "something" as often. 

Real life "Weeds" PartII

Have you ever watched a program, movie, TV series, YouTube or whatever and thought to yourself "HEY!! Wait a minute..."  Being a widow is often a story line.  However, actors seem to get it wrong somehow.  I will admit there have been plenty of great films on how it sucks to be a widow: you feel like the life has been sucked out of you, but it's someones' sick joke, but then it's not, but then it's your real life!  It goes something like that.  I try not too often to put myself in that "role", as society isn't up to talking much about the subject, meaning emotionally and financially.  Of course if there is a character, with many flaws, and comedy, then it's a TV series, a hit no less.  I don't believe many of us would volunteer to go through this roller coaster.  But then again, everyone alive now is on a roller coaster ride of sorts; laughing, crying or screaming!

A chuckle for lunch

It really wasn't lunch; I went to gas up company car.  I was at  a stop light, making a left onto the west/east main street in my town.  On my left corner, waiting for pedestrian light, were two Latina mommies, one small boy (3-4 y.o.), a little girl (1.5-2 y.o.).  I was admiring the little girls curly black hair.  I wondered how in the world that mommy got her to stay still long enough to braid the top part!  Too dang cute!!  In front of the four were a few cars waiting for light, they were heading straight (eastbound).  Behind the third car was a firetruck, then three more cars and another firetruck.  Light turns green and the vehicles begin to move eastward.  The two children were so happy at the sight of the big red truck!  Then, the diesel firetruck, shifted into another gear letting out a huge, I mean HUGE cloud of smoke....right at the kiddies level.  The four were caught in this billowy, stinky diesel cloud.  The kids started to rub their little eyes and spit; how does diesel taste?  It was funny.  The mommies were laughing and trying to console their little ones!  Aw, mommydom (is that a word?)! The second firetuck driver tried to make up for it, waving at the kids, but he got a nice chuckle, too! 

I'm a Rabbit!!

According to the Chinese Zodiac, I am a Bunny!!  HA!

Class continuation

Belly dance class was fun!  Its so fun to see us women (we think we know how to dance!) not being able to keep up with the instructor.  She (instructor) is in great shape.  Curvaceous!  Sign me up for another set of classes!!  So dinner last night was less than "delicious".  Sorry kids! On the upside, I was given flowers and a card!!  A sweet friend came by the clubhouse and dropped them off.   I'm still sore from the weekend!  It's not what it sounds like!!  It was a burn day on Saturday and I burned!!  Sunday I decided I know how to prune trees!!  I found my loppers at the bottom part of the property, where shed is.  The loppers are old and not sharp, but I still used them.  It's too expensive to buy new pair.  So I wasn't able to move my arms in an upward fashion, I knew I had worked out.  My dogs were with me the two days I spent outdoors in the yard. The garden and crisp air is comforting to me.  It was nice to just be.  It doesn't matter what situations are at hand; the problems are irrelevant.  I am trying to be in that state more often, sometimes (more than not) it's a struggle.  I am so like my daughters! (Yes me like them!) My girls like to spend time being alone.  I see they get lost in their thoughts and seem content.  My oldest daughter has been like that since an infant;  the younger always has had her big sister as an example.  They are quite alike. 

Real life "Weeds ?"

So, I'm thinking that I'm not too sure about what I'm supposed to do with a blog!  My kids are gonna love this!  So I decided to start to tell my story.  How life can change on a dime, making you crazy, thinking that there truly isn't a God, or whatever you believe in. In desperation it is our nature (atleast mine) to find something to hang on to.  The millions of questions that you ask yourself, the imaginary what-ifs, and the real outcomes of any situation that we middle aged parent of, oh no joking, seven  kids might spin in our head.  Of course the outcomes and the situations also vary from day to day.  The severity of the situation might be so drastic one day to the next, depending on how your day is going.
I don't like the word "widow".  It has a real downer label, albeit, it is a downer!  When my husband died, I referred to his passing as leaving; he left; on vacation; or something that really did not state the obvious.  He is gone; not coming back in human form in my lifetime.

continuation: "New Class"

What I was going  and still am singing praises about is not belly dancing, per se', but excercise!!  Since Christmas Eve my left knee has been out of place.  I have stretched and excersied it, but no relief!!  I am what I used to joke about; the "older generation" favorite fragrance, Bengay!  During class I was feeling the stretch and was dreading how my knee was going to take this "abuse".  Somehow  my knee popped during class.  Went home and told my children about class and attempted to show my new moves, explaining that's not how it really looks, but hopefully by week 6, I will be able to show them an improvement!  We laughed at how I told them the teacher emphasises moves by saying "BAM, hip to left" and "BAM, now to the right".  I'm glad I took my fiends advice and accompanied her to this class!  Six a.m. next morning, I'm scared to move a muscle.  I'm wondering if I'm going to have to roll out of bed, somehow.  To my very joyful surprise, I got right out of bed.  Knee felt fine!  A little sore, but better than it had felt the last month.  WOW!  Belly Dance class!! It stinks to get old, but it's worse to feel it!  I can't wait for class next week!

A new class; the healing experience!

My co-worker asked me several weeks ago if I'd be interested in taking a class with her: Belly Dance.  At the time I felt I was game for anything that would take me out of my ho-hum existance, so I said "yes".  I kept the date in the back of my mind.  I told a friend that I would be taking this class weeks prior to the date.  He seems to hang out quite a bit at the golf course and the class was to be held at the Clubhouse there.  He mentioned, laughingly, that maybe he'll run into me there!  I felt silly I mentioned it!  I thought what a thing to mention!!...a belly dance class, ha! 
On Wednesday around 4ish, my co-worker asked me if we were meeting at the Clubhouse.  I had hoped she had forgotten about the class, but oh shucks, she hadn't!  I agreed to meet her there at 6:45.  I went home, with a few texts and calls about dinner menu with the kids on the way.  Dinner was prepped and served quickly.  In the middle of the process of creating a delicious meal I informed kids I would be attending a class.  Boy, they were so surprised!  They encouraged me eventho my daughter did not want to participate with me.  I decided to change clothing to go "workout".  I left with plenty of time, it was strange....I have not taken a class or gone to the gym in years!  I have not made time for me.  I hoped the class was cancelled on my way there.  As I got to the Clubhouse I noticed there was one car parked in lot.  I thought I better go check it out and wait for my friend to show up before I left, being that I was sure class was cancelled.  I walked in and I was the first "student" there.  The teacher, a very nice lady, asked me if I had pre-enrolled.  She said there was quite a class coming in!  I filled in the enrollment form and paid the forty dollars.  As I paced the floor for a few minutes the class (students) started to trickle in.  By then I had figured out that I was not going anywhere!  I started to feel a little unprepared for the class when a few of the ladies took out their "jingles" (that's what I call them) and tied their thingys around their waists.  The jingles helped set the mood for class.

Dinner time humor

After putting in my hours at the office; playing with paper all day, I head home to make a "delicious" dinner, as my son puts it.  It's the same routine as I head out,  kids call me same time asking whats for dinner.  I think it's funny!  Somehow they envision me cooking and driving!  Forget texting and driving, oh no, it's cooking for me.  So my little girl is hilarious, witty too.  My older daughters (the university child) boyfriend is on a no-junk-diet.  He had a physical last week and needs to shed a few pounds.  I think it's the junk food and eating out.  It's not that it's all bad, but it's not as nutritous and so expensive.  So we are having dinner and I ask him about fast food.  He laughs and says "no fast food today".   My comedian daughter starts to relate a story about when she was "younger" (mind you, she is 13!) she and her siblings would ask their mother (me) for a glass of water.  Her mommy would say to breathe in some air; there is condensed water in the air.  Just gulp it down!  My daughter is making me look like a water prude!  I don't know if there is such a thing,  but it seems that I am one!!  Now I KNOW I never said that!!  Oh she makes me laugh, and everyone else at the dinner table too.  I do recall telling the kids "no" when I considered their request  to be junk food.  I would say no; you just ate or dinner is almost ready.  Usually they would enhance their request with "but I'm hungry".  I would say go drink a glass of water.  It's a family inside joke now.  We still get a good laugh about that.  As the years have gone by the stories have been enhanced, much funnier now.  I enjoy and look forward to dinner time.  I'm sure the kids do too.  We take any opportunity to bond and laugh!

My college blues

Today there was a lot of chatter at work about College,  FAFSA, transfers and grants.  I am sooo glad my daughter did most of that footwork on her own.  My daughter is a very determined, focused, and goal oriented young lady.  Ahhh**sigh!  I miss her so much!  The last few years she has behaved as if she knows it all.  I have learned to stand in the sidelines and be an observer.  I'm always there if they need me, but they seem to make good choices.  Sometimes it's not what I would do, but it works for them and that's what counts.  It is a difficult thing to let them "go", but they reassure me daily that they are doing great.  I do not get to visit/see my daughter daily.    Its just that we don't get to spend too much of their teen years with them!  My son is in the transition stage of (transfer) from college to university.  He too is doing it all.  I'm glad that the two kids are growing into young proactive adults.  Yes, they gow up, and fast!  I dont get to spend much time with them as their school schedules seem to occupy all their time.  Being a parent  is hard on the heart.  We have children that are moving away and it stinks!  But the upside is that they gain wonderful knowledge and experiences that will remain with them forever.  I go back to when I was their age and what I was doing.  My poor parents!  I love those two.  They put up with a lot of my stuff and are still unconditional now as back then. There is joy accompanied with sadness as the kids are growing up.  My sadness about this stage is that I get to enjoy their college ups and downs, but without their father.  I wish he was here to help me get thru  these years as the kids begin to embark on their new journey.  I am proud of them, and I'm sure he is too.